I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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