well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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