Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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