3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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