My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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