Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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