he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We don't watch enough power rangers
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
