I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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