I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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