"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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