He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
