So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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