Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
