remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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