I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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