I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
