Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
