***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
This gyro tastes like lonliness
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
