drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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