Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Randomize
