Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
