I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize