i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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