Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
