she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize