a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
