so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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