he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I love you.
Bad choice
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