If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
