My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
