The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
