I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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