The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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