It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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