im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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