You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
