How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
