Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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