Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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