is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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