if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i think i just lost a toe
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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