I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
