I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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