i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
