Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
