My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
