remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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