so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
