Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
