awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
