theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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