His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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