i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize