It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
