there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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