things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Randomize