I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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