her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
