Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
