im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
that may or may not have been my penis.
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