I am spending my child support on dildos
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
40s are totally the cure
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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