I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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