Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
