I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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