1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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