im six kinds of drunk right now
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
