Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
