I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
