I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
